One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
मंगलवार, 7 जुलाई 2015
A newlywed couple moves into their new house
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
A store that sells husbands has just opened
A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning
This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning.
He decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her.
When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbing herself and saying, "
I need a man, I need a man." So this quite a few times and then one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to go check it out,
this time instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother in bed with a man.
So the boy runs back to his room, strips all his clothes off,
jumps on the bed and starts rubbing himself while saying, "
I need a bike, I need a bike!!!"
He decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her.
When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbing herself and saying, "
I need a man, I need a man." So this quite a few times and then one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to go check it out,
this time instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother in bed with a man.
So the boy runs back to his room, strips all his clothes off,
jumps on the bed and starts rubbing himself while saying, "
I need a bike, I need a bike!!!"
A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes
A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally,
the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this,
since it is clearly true, and runs home crying.
A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face.
She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these,
I can have as many of those as I want!”
the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this,
since it is clearly true, and runs home crying.
A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face.
She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these,
I can have as many of those as I want!”
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you." The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun. After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! " The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight
One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick". Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats". On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using. Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey. Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!
One day a young man and woman
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
The teacher asked Jimmy
The teacher asked Jimmy, "
Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"
Jimmy replied crying, "
Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, '
I am going to eat that p*ssy
once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"
Jimmy replied crying, "
Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, '
I am going to eat that p*ssy
once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
Yo Mamas so stupid
Yo Mamas so stupid she was yelling into the mailbox.
We ask her whats she doing and she said,
she was sending a voice-mail.
We ask her whats she doing and she said,
she was sending a voice-mail.
There was this man who walked into a bar and says
There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?" The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"
The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?" The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"
The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."
A few days after Christmas
Dirty jokes
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."
A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX
A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast.
I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done.
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself."
So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend,
he asks, what happened? She responds, "
The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done.
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself."
So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend,
he asks, what happened? She responds, "
The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch
. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray,
“Take only one. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray,
“Take only one. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic
Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic.
" Father: "Why?" Boy:
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?'
and I said '6'" Father: "But that's right!"
Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'"
Father: "What's the fucking difference?" Boy:
"That's exactly what I said!"
" Father: "Why?" Boy:
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?'
and I said '6'" Father: "But that's right!"
Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'"
Father: "What's the fucking difference?" Boy:
"That's exactly what I said!"
So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning
So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the studentsclear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"
Teacher: whoever answers my next question
School jokes
Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: who just threw that?! Boy: Me! I’m going home now.
Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: who just threw that?! Boy: Me! I’m going home now.
An 85-year-old man was requested
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father." The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house. A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future." "I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny. "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said the dad. "Okay then...good night" said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middleof the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, buthis dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized somethingand thinks aloud, "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, andthe future is full of shit!"
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
A teacher was working with a group of children
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick! Spit'em out! They're assholes!"
Survey reveals Top 50 funniest jokes ever told
Top 50 funniest jokes ever told
Survey reveals Top 50 funniest jokes ever told
[HK]
man and Aato jokas
मुझे भी आज
हिंदी बोलने का शौक हुआ,
घर से निकला और
एक ऑटो वाले से पूछा,
"त्री चक्रीय चालक
पूरे नगर के परिभ्रमण में
कितनी मुद्रायें व्यय होंगी ?"
ऑटो वाले ने कहा,
"अबे हिंदी में बोल रे.."
मैंने कहा,
"श्रीमान
मै हिंदी में ही
वार्तालाप कर रहा हूँ।"
ऑटो वाले ने कहा,
"मोदी जी
पागल करके ही मानेंगे ।
चलो बैठो
कहाँ चलोगे ?"
मैंने कहा,
"परिसदन चलो"
ऑटो वाला फिर
चकराया !
"अब ये
परिसदन क्या है ?
बगल
वाले श्रीमान ने कहा,
"अरे
सर्किट हाउस जाएगा"
ऑटो वाले ने
सर खुजाया बोला,
"बैठिये प्रभु"
रास्ते में मैंने पूछा,
"इस नगर में
कितने छवि गृह हैं ??"
ऑटो वाले ने कहा,
"छवि गृह मतलब ??"
मैंने कहा,
"चलचित्र मंदिर"
उसने कहा,
"यहाँ बहुत मंदिर हैं ...
राम मंदिर,
हनुमान मंदिर,
जगन्नाथ मंदिर,
शिव मंदिर"
मैंने कहा,
"भाई
में तो चलचित्र मंदिर की
बात कर रहा हूँ
जिसमें
नायक तथा नायिका
प्रेमालाप करते हैं ..."
ऑटो वाला
फिर चकराया,
"ये चलचित्र मंदिर
क्या होता है ??"
यही सोचते सोचते
उसने सामने वाली गाडी में
टक्कर मार दी
ऑटो का
अगला चक्का
टेढ़ा हो गया
मैंने कहा,
"त्री चक्रीय चालक
तुम्हारा अग्र चक्र तो
वक्र हो गया ..."
ऑटो वाले ने
मुझे घूर कर देखा
और कहा,
"उतर जल्दी उतर !
चल ...
भाग यहाँ से"
तब से
यही सोच रहा हूँ
अब और
हिंदी बोलूं
या नहीं ... ???
हिंदी बोलने का शौक हुआ,
घर से निकला और
एक ऑटो वाले से पूछा,
"त्री चक्रीय चालक
पूरे नगर के परिभ्रमण में
कितनी मुद्रायें व्यय होंगी ?"
ऑटो वाले ने कहा,
"अबे हिंदी में बोल रे.."
मैंने कहा,
"श्रीमान
मै हिंदी में ही
वार्तालाप कर रहा हूँ।"
ऑटो वाले ने कहा,
"मोदी जी
पागल करके ही मानेंगे ।
चलो बैठो
कहाँ चलोगे ?"
मैंने कहा,
"परिसदन चलो"
ऑटो वाला फिर
चकराया !
"अब ये
परिसदन क्या है ?
बगल
वाले श्रीमान ने कहा,
"अरे
सर्किट हाउस जाएगा"
ऑटो वाले ने
सर खुजाया बोला,
"बैठिये प्रभु"
रास्ते में मैंने पूछा,
"इस नगर में
कितने छवि गृह हैं ??"
ऑटो वाले ने कहा,
"छवि गृह मतलब ??"
मैंने कहा,
"चलचित्र मंदिर"
उसने कहा,
"यहाँ बहुत मंदिर हैं ...
राम मंदिर,
हनुमान मंदिर,
जगन्नाथ मंदिर,
शिव मंदिर"
मैंने कहा,
"भाई
में तो चलचित्र मंदिर की
बात कर रहा हूँ
जिसमें
नायक तथा नायिका
प्रेमालाप करते हैं ..."
ऑटो वाला
फिर चकराया,
"ये चलचित्र मंदिर
क्या होता है ??"
यही सोचते सोचते
उसने सामने वाली गाडी में
टक्कर मार दी
ऑटो का
अगला चक्का
टेढ़ा हो गया
मैंने कहा,
"त्री चक्रीय चालक
तुम्हारा अग्र चक्र तो
वक्र हो गया ..."
ऑटो वाले ने
मुझे घूर कर देखा
और कहा,
"उतर जल्दी उतर !
चल ...
भाग यहाँ से"
तब से
यही सोच रहा हूँ
अब और
हिंदी बोलूं
या नहीं ... ???
INDIAN AND ANGREJ jokas
एक बार एक पजामा पहने हुए
इंडियन से
एक अंग्रेज ने पूछा -
.
आप का यह
देशी पैंट
(पजामा) कितने दिन चल
जाता है..?
.
इंडियन ने जवाब दिया :
कुछ ख़ास नहीं,
मैं इसे एक साल पहनता हूं।
.
उसके
बाद
श्रीमति जी इसको काटकर
राजू के साइज़
का बना देती है।
.
फिर राजू
इसे एक साल पहनता है।
.
उसके बाद
श्रीमति जी इसको काट-
छांट कर तकियों के कवर
बना लेती हैं।
.
फिर एक साल बाद उन कवर
का झाड़ू
पोछे में इस्तेमाल करते हैं।"
.
अंग्रेज बोला :
फिर फेंक देते होंगे..?
.
इंडियन ने फिर कहा : "नहीं-
नहीं इसके
बाद 6 महीने तक मै इस से अपने
जूते साफ़
करता हूं और अगले 6 महीने तक
बाइक
का साइलेंसर चमकाता हूं।
.
बाद में उसे हाथ से बनाई जाने
वाली गेंद में
काम लेते हैं और अंत में
कोयले की सिगडी (चूल्हा)
सुलगाने के
काम में लेते हैं और
सिगड़ी (चूल्हे)
की राख बर्तन मांजने के काम
में
लेते हैं।
.
इतना सुनने के बाद अंग्रेज
बेहोश होकर गिर गया..!
और
उसे होश आने पर एहसास हुआ
कि आखिर अंग्रेज भारत
छोड़कर
जाने पर क्यों मजबूर हुए..!!
॥ जय हिन्द जय भारत ॥
इंडियन से
एक अंग्रेज ने पूछा -
.
आप का यह
देशी पैंट
(पजामा) कितने दिन चल
जाता है..?
.
इंडियन ने जवाब दिया :
कुछ ख़ास नहीं,
मैं इसे एक साल पहनता हूं।
.
उसके
बाद
श्रीमति जी इसको काटकर
राजू के साइज़
का बना देती है।
.
फिर राजू
इसे एक साल पहनता है।
.
उसके बाद
श्रीमति जी इसको काट-
छांट कर तकियों के कवर
बना लेती हैं।
.
फिर एक साल बाद उन कवर
का झाड़ू
पोछे में इस्तेमाल करते हैं।"
.
अंग्रेज बोला :
फिर फेंक देते होंगे..?
.
इंडियन ने फिर कहा : "नहीं-
नहीं इसके
बाद 6 महीने तक मै इस से अपने
जूते साफ़
करता हूं और अगले 6 महीने तक
बाइक
का साइलेंसर चमकाता हूं।
.
बाद में उसे हाथ से बनाई जाने
वाली गेंद में
काम लेते हैं और अंत में
कोयले की सिगडी (चूल्हा)
सुलगाने के
काम में लेते हैं और
सिगड़ी (चूल्हे)
की राख बर्तन मांजने के काम
में
लेते हैं।
.
इतना सुनने के बाद अंग्रेज
बेहोश होकर गिर गया..!
और
उसे होश आने पर एहसास हुआ
कि आखिर अंग्रेज भारत
छोड़कर
जाने पर क्यों मजबूर हुए..!!
॥ जय हिन्द जय भारत ॥
सोमवार, 6 जुलाई 2015
ऐ दारु तेरे बन्दे हम , ऐसे हो हमारे करम Hindi Jokes,
ऐ दारु तेरे बन्दे हम , ऐसे हो हमारे करम
देसी पर चले , विश्की से हिले
ताकि पीते रहे रेड रम
ऐ दारु तेरे बन्दे हम ............... ........|| 1 ||
ये नशा हैं घना छा रहा
मेरा सर भी चकरा रहा
ले सुट्टे के धुंवे , चढने के लिए
ताकि झूमते रहे सारे हम
ऐ दारु तेरे बन्दे हम ............... ........|| 2 ||
ये टेबल क्यूँ हिल हैं रहा
मेरा दारु हैं कौन पी रहा
ये धरती हिले , हम जमीं पे गिरे
ताकि भूलते रहे सारे गम
ऐ दारु तेरे बन्दे हम ............... .......
देसी पर चले , विश्की से हिले
ताकि पीते रहे रेड रम
ऐ दारु तेरे बन्दे हम ............... ........|| 3 ||
'Daru Bhakti Geet
देसी पर चले , विश्की से हिले
ताकि पीते रहे रेड रम
ऐ दारु तेरे बन्दे हम ............... ........|| 1 ||
ये नशा हैं घना छा रहा
मेरा सर भी चकरा रहा
ले सुट्टे के धुंवे , चढने के लिए
ताकि झूमते रहे सारे हम
ऐ दारु तेरे बन्दे हम ............... ........|| 2 ||
ये टेबल क्यूँ हिल हैं रहा
मेरा दारु हैं कौन पी रहा
ये धरती हिले , हम जमीं पे गिरे
ताकि भूलते रहे सारे गम
ऐ दारु तेरे बन्दे हम ............... .......
देसी पर चले , विश्की से हिले
ताकि पीते रहे रेड रम
ऐ दारु तेरे बन्दे हम ............... ........|| 3 ||
'Daru Bhakti Geet
रविवार, 5 जुलाई 2015
पत्नी की शायरी
"मेरी मोहब्ब्त को अपने दिल में ढूंढ लेना;
और हाँ, आटे को अच्छी तरह गूँथ लेना!
मिल जाए अगर प्यार तो खोना नहीं;
प्याज़ काटते वक्त बिलकुल रोना नहीं!
मुझसे रूठ जाने का बहाना अच्छा है;
थोड़ी देर और पकाओ आलू अभी कच्चा है!
मिलकर फिर खुशियों को बाँटना है;
टमाटर जरा बारीक़ ही काटना है!
लोग हमारी मोहब्ब्त से जल न जाएं;
चावल टाइम पे देख लेना कहीं गल न जाएं!
कैसी लगी हमारी ग़जल बता देना;
नमक कम लगे तो और मिला लेना!
सलीम भाई jokes
सलीम भाई की एक टांग नीली हो गयी..
हकीम:----
शायद जहर फ़ैल गया है टांग काटनी पड़ेगी...
कुछ दिन बाद दूसरी भी नीली पड़ गयी...
हाकिम:---
इस टांग में भी जहर फ़ैल रहा है ये भी काटनी पड़ेगी...
हाकिम ने दोनों टांगे काट दी और आर्टिफिसियल टांग लगा दी..
कुछ दिन बाद आर्टिफिसियल टांग भी नीली पड़ गयी..
हाकिम :----
अब तुम्हारी बीमारी समझ में आइ मियां..
तुम्हारी लुंगी कलर छोड़ती हैं
बियर पन्चमी
कल बियर पन्चमी है.
हर साल यह पर्व जब सूर्य वृषभ राशि में रहता है जब गर्मी अपनी पूर्ण यौवन पर होती हैं।
इसे "बियरपंचमी" भी कई जगह कहा जाता है।
इसका शुभ मुहूर्त आज संध्या 6 बजे से रात 12 बजे तक है.
इस दिन घर पर या दोस्तों की महफ़िल में बियर पीने पिलाने से साल भर बीबी से कचकच नही होती ।
जो जातक दारु नही पीते फिर भी पत्नी की रोज की चक चक से परेशान रहते है ।
उन्हें शुभ मुहूर्त में 9 बियर चढ़ा कर दोस्तों को पिला कर मात्र चखना चबाने से पूर्ण पुण्य मिलता है.
नोट:- बियर पिलाने में जात धर्म का कोई बंधन नही रहता। बियर तृतीया मनाने की विधि
1. संध्या काल स्नान आदि के बाद हलके वस्त्रो में एसी चला कर बैठें।
2. समयानुसार पृष्ठभूमि में "मुन्नी बदनाम हुई" जैसे भजन की सीडी लगा लें।
3. बियर सामग्री को फ्रिज से निकाल कर टेबिल पर सजा लें।
4. प्रसाद के लिए कुछ नमकीन, काजू (भुने हुए), दालमोठ इत्यादि का प्रबंध करें।
5. पूर्वी और दक्षिण भारत में फ्राई करी हुई मछली से भी प्रसाद चढ़ाया जाता है। कुछ न होने पर सदा पापड़ भून कर प्रसाद चढ़ाये।
6. बियर को ग्लास में निकाले, ध्यान रहे कि बियर के झाग टेबिल पर न गिरें। टेबिल पत्नी को साफ़ करनी है और आज के दिन पत्नी की अप्रसन्नता वर्जित है।
7. श्रद्धानुसार एक, दो, तीन बियर के ग्लास पीते जाएँ जब तक पत्नी का चेहरा लाल न हो जाये।
8. अंत में पत्नी को नमस्कार कर के घर से बाहर निकuल जाएँ और खाना खा कर ही घर वापस आएं।
9. आज कल बियर पंचमी का पर्व सामूहिक रूप से दोस्तों के साथ भी मनाया जाता है।
सदस्यता लें
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